


Can I Be Him

by misstressed



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, I Don't Even Know, I Tried, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Other, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-26
Updated: 2019-06-04
Packaged: 2020-03-17 00:26:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,918
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18954196
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/misstressed/pseuds/misstressed
Summary: Bucky is in love. You're in love.He's in love with you. You're in love with someone else.





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song ‘Can I Be Him’ by James Arthur inspired me to write this. Hope you enjoy the first chapter :')

Bucky, before and after being put into cryostasis, never really thought of and about being or falling in love. He knew it was possible of him to be, but he also knew it was impossible for someone to love him.

He used to be a killing machine who murdered innocent people. He was insecure, scared, and he knows the assassin part of him was still with him and would forever hunt him in his dreams. How could someone feasibly love a semi stable man like him?

He already accepted that fact; the fact that no one could ever love or be in love with him. And yet here he is, in love with the woman he's sitting across from and is silently wishing she feels the same way.

Bucky doesn't know or even remember how, but yup, he's a hundred percent sure he was in love with you.

He knows he is because there are times when he'd find himself staring at you, sometimes even Steve, Sam, or Natasha would catch him doing so. He was just so captivated with you, your looks, and your quirks and find everything you do unique and charming.

He knows he is because he always thinks about you. He was so infatuated–so in love with the idea of you. He thinks of you because he worries, because he cares.

He knows he is because he likes seeing you happy. He loves every moment he sees you smile at everyone–at him especially. He loves it when he hears and see you laugh; he just loves the way your nose scrunches and the way your laughter sounds.

And last, he knows he's in love with you because everytime you'd walk right into the room and he was there, his heart would skip a beat and he'd suddenly feel the butterflies inside his stomach.

You were the only woman, the only person, who could do that to him. He was so honored and grateful to have you be the first who had stolen and thawed his frozen heart after six decades.

And yet no matter how much he thinks of you, no matter how much he loves you, just the thought of you in love with someone else broke something inside him. It crushed not only his heart, but it also crushed his hopes of you returning his love fully.

Because there you were, sitting across him in the kitchen, rambling and talking about this Claude guy you've been going out on dates with for a while now.

It ached, but he prevailed. He didn't want you pitying on him or at least anybody else for that matter. Just as long as you were happy, he'd force himself to be, too.

Then a flick of your fingers snapped him out of his trance. He blinked, and apologized after. He didn't really mean to space out.

“It's alright, Bucky.”

_Thump_.

Even just by the sound of your voice, his heart would pound and dance inside his ribcage. Everything you do affected him so much, even when it was something small.

“What were you saying? I promise I'd listen this time,” he said genuinely. He didn't want to upset you.

But then you shook your head with that sweet smile of yours. “Never mind all of what I said earlier. I was rambling and it probably bored you.”

Bucky wanted to say no, he wanted to deny. He wanted to tell you that it wasn't your fault and your rambling that had him so distracted. But you were stubborn; he knows you'd insist and blame yourself and he knows he'd lose the small argument.

It wasn't like it was anything out of the ordinary; you always won between the two of you. But that's because he let you. He'd always let you be victorious.

“But Bucky,” you spoke, and then his heart skipped a beat. He liked it everytime you say his name.

“Yes?” he croaked, staring right into your eyes. He loved your eyes and everytime it twinkled, and that was the time he knew [e/c] was his new favorite color.

“I think I'm in love,” you declared. He watched you sigh dreamily.

That's when he felt something hurt. He felt his chest burn from the inside and it pained him. But even when he knew it hurt, he didn't let it show. Not in front of you.

“With who?” His voice cracked. He already knew who you were talking about, and he freaking already knew whose name you were going to say. But he wished–he _hoped_ –that it was his name–Bucky–that would leave your mouth.

Bucky knew what he was wishing was too much and he knew it made him sound selfish. But he didn't care. He, at least for once, wanted to be selfish because it would make him happy; he'd be satisfied.

However, the name that he had been dreading to hear from you not made his heart leap in joy, but made it shatter in pieces he knew he wouldn't be able to glue by himself anymore.

“Claude,” you said, “I think I'm in love with Claude.”

Bucky wanted to cry that morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll start writing the second chapter as soon as possible. Thanks for reading!


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky sees you singing and playing the piano in the music room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't usually update this quick but for the sake of not forgetting and before I get lazy to write, I just, I don't know, decided to write this as soon as I can.
> 
> By the way, I don't play piano or any music instruments.

Bucky had just finished working out and showering. He immediately left Steve alone inside the gym when he punched the punching bag too hard and destroyed it. His best friend told him to take a shower to calm his nerves while he went to fix whatever he could fix.

Bucky didn't really mean to destroy it. He was just so angry–so  _jealous_ –that he wanted to let off some steam through boxing.

He talked to you this morning about Claude. It wasn't exactly him doing the talking, more like it was you.

He tried so hard not too look mad or anything; he tried so hard not to scowl or frown. But he had lost it when you showed him his picture as your wallpaper on your phone.

He promptly excused himself, telling you that he just remembered he was going to the gym with Steve to box. And you let him, seemingly unbothered by his sudden behavior due to fangirling too much over Claude and his messages. And thank God, Bucky did managed to convince Steve that time to go to the gym with him.

But Steve, his ever-so curious and worrywart of a friend, asked him what got him so worked up and so upset. Bucky didn't answer like how Steve wanted to though. Instead of telling him, he just reassured him and said it wasn't anything important.

However, Steve wasn't letting go that instant. He dared mention you and Claude. His question was then answered when Bucky punched a hole right through the bag.

Bucky talked about how you were in love with this Claude guy to Steve yesterday night and how much he'd beat the life out of him if he ever broke your heart. To say Steve was worried for this Claude guy was an understatement.

Bucky decided to get himself a glass of water. He didn't forget about searching for you as he passed through the living room and what seemed like a meeting room on his way to the kitchen. And yet you weren't in any of them and that had him so confused and made him wonder.

Gulping the water in one go before placing it down on the sink, Bucky still went to look for you. This time, with the use of F.R.I.D.A.Y.

“Hey, A.I., where's [Y/N]?” he asked, loud and clear. He looked kind of stupid looking into the ceiling, expecting an answer.

“She's inside the music room,” came F.R.I.D.A.Y.'s response.

Bucky didn't know the compound has a music room and he was just as clueless to finding out that you actually play music instruments. Though he does know you sing.

He silently thanked the A.I. and went to look for this music room it was talking about. Who would've guessed it was just near the gym? Unfortunately, he didn't.

The door was slightly open and he could already hear music playing even when he was just outside the room. He could also hear a voice singing along with the melody. He peeked inside.

You were there, just around the corner, with your back facing him as Bucky finally decided on entering the room silently. You were seated in front of an upright piano, your fingers smoothly gracing the keys of the instrument while you sang.

Bucky stood, listened, and watched behind you, making sure not to make a sound and disturb you. You looked so ethereal, even on a dimly lighted room.

He's never seen you sing before outside of work. Usually because what you sing depends on how it would affect the listeners. But it wasn't like he actually ever heard you sing from any of the missions he's been with you and the others.

Everytime you'd use your voice/power intentionally towards the enemies, you'd always tell everyone near or at least anyone listening to either cover their ears or unplug the in-ear receivers they were wearing.

Bucky was so intrigued with your power and found it so fascinating. Just by singing, you could either hypnotise or lull people to sleep. It was amazing; you were amazing.

And now that he was here, watching and listening as you sing what seemed like a love song, he found himself feeling no longer upset like earlier. He was calmer now and it was thanks to you.

When you had finished singing, Bucky couldn't help but clap for you, which of course startled you.

You squeaked from your seat and jolted in surprise as you turned your head towards behind you. Bucky was smiling at you; he looked so proud of you.

“That was amazing,” he said truthfully. “I didn't know you could play the piano. Heck, I didn't even know there's a music room here.”

Though the light was dim, Bucky noticed how your cheeks flared red and damn did you look adorable.

“The song you were singing. . .” he trailed off, as his eyes glinted and twinkled with sadness under the dim room. “. . .were you singing it for anyone?”

It hurt him to ask that, but he was curious.

Bucky remembered encountering Tony once inside the kitchen though he didn't spoke to him. He was singing a love song as he makes himself a cup of coffee. The man looked so happy and in love as he did so even when he knew he hadn't been sleeping regularly and there were bags under his eyes. And Bucky guesses that was the same for you.

“No, not really,” you answered. “But I am singing it because of someone.”

Bucky nodded in understanding. Then an idea popped into mind.

“Hey, doll,” he called. You hummed in response. “I just had a thought. You wouldn't mind if you sing a song for me, won't you?”

You smiled at his request. Bucky pursed his lips. He'd do anything to see that smile on your pretty face, even if it means embarrassing his own in front of people or doing silly things for you. Your smile was to die for.

 _Claude is lucky as heck to have you, doll,_ he said inside his mind. Then he suddenly felt miserable at his own thoughts.

“Sure, Bucky,” you said. “What would you like?”

 _For you to love me back_.

“Anything. As long as you're singing it for me, I'd listen and enjoy it as much as I can.”

“Alright.” Then you faced the piano back again, stretching your arms and wiggling your fingers. “I hope you'll like this one.”

Bucky smiled this time, except his eyes didn't. 

 _I have learned to love everything you do, doll,_ he wanted to say. But instead, what came out of his mouth was, “Of course I will.”

Then he pursed his lips, the smile gone, as a familiar word began to repeat inside his head over and over again.

Coward.

Coward.

_Coward._

_**Coward**_.

And Bucky couldn't agree more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't know how to end this one and I didn't want it to turn out to be this long, but I hope you liked this chapter and I thank you for reading! :'))


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve and Natasha confronts Bucky about his feelings for you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to all the users/readers for giving kudos! I really appreciate it ♡
> 
> Also warning: swearing. It's just one word so it's not that bad.

Bucky was trapped; trapped inside the gym together with Steve and Natasha and it was because of the said two.

His best friend had invited him to spar and he agreed. When they've arrived inside the gym, Natasha was there waiting for them. He thought she was there to join them spar, but unfortunately, he was wrong and got deceived by none other than Steve.

Steve locked the door as soon as they had entered and commanded F.R.I.D.A.Y. not to unlock it until he or Natasha said so.

So here he was, seated on the center of the room with Steve in front of him and Natasha besides him, her arms crossed to her chest.

“What the hell do you two want?” Bucky hissed, seemingly not amused by their sudden antics.

“Nat and I wanted to talk to you about your feelings for [Y/N],” Steve answered. He noticed how Bucky suddenly winced at the mention of your name. “We were thinking that maybe it's time you should confess to her. . .?”

The blond sounded unsure, apprehensive by his choice of words.

“No,” was Bucky's direct reply. There was no trace of hesitation evident on his face. “I'm not confessing anything.”

“You're doing it, Barnes,” Natasha demanded. “Or else one of us will.”

Bucky scoffed at her statement. “So now you're threatening me?”

Natasha looked at her comrade with a straight face before responding, “If that's what you want to believe, then, yes. We are.”

“I ain't telling her anything.”

Steve opened his mouth his mouth to retort, but was unable to when his best friend flashed him a glare in an instant. He immediately closed it and pursed his lips.

“You two won't understand.”

A frown made its way onto Natasha's face, so did Steve's. However, the latter looked more confused than the other as he had his head tilted.

“What won't we understand?” the former asked. Her eyebrows were furrowed and her forehead was creased.

Bucky looked at the woman directly in the eyes. “The consequences,” he said vaguely. His response only deepened the frown on Natasha's face.

“Elaborate.”

The soldier sighed.

“If I tell [Y/N] about how much I like her. . .how I'm in love with her. . .or how much I've been infatuated with her since then. . .it–no– _I_ might ruin our relationship,” he explained. “I'm not risking our friendship just to confess my feelings towards her. There's a possibility she's going to avoid me and we might get awkward with each other. And I. . . I don't want that.”

Bucky looked down and then sighed for the second time.

“Call me selfish if you want but I want to be with her–I want to be besides her,” he proceeded, “I want to continue talking to her, continue listening to her stories, and hangout with her. I want to be there for her.”

Then he paused, looking up and staring at both his comrades.

“. . .even just as a friend,” he finished.

Steve's heart broke after his best friend's speech. He approached him, crouching down in front of him and then placing a hand onto his shoulder with a look of pity. He knew Bucky didn't like people pitying him, but he couldn't help himself.

He was too sad for his friend that he can't prevent himself from feeling that way.

“Buck, you're hurting,” he said rather stupidly. The aforementioned smiled at him, but it didn't quite meet his eyes.

“That I am,” he responded.

“And that's another reason as to why you should consider confessing to [Y/N] soon,” Steve said after. Bucky's smile faltered at this as he looked at his best friend in surprise and bewilderment.

Steve squeezed his shoulder before retracting his hand and standing up. “Confessing to her means she's going to be aware of your feelings for her and that means she has to be cautious of what she has to say in front of and to you. That way, you won't be in pain.”

Bucky stood up from the floor, shocked at what his own friend said.

“Didn't you hear at least one thing about what I said?” He raised his voice, catching not only Steve off guard, but Natasha also.

The two were dumbfounded; Bucky has never raised his voice at anyone, nor has he shouted at anything or anyone except at himself when he was frustrated, mad, or in distress.

“I told you I ain't ruining our friendship just so she'd learn about my feelings for her!” he fumed. “I know you're doing this for me because you're thinking about my feelings, but you're not thinking about _how_ I'd actually feel, Steve!”

The aforementioned pulled his hand out to hold and possibly calm his best friend down, but Bucky swatted it away in aggravation.

A look of hurt flashed across Steve's face.

“Bucky–” he started, but was immediately cut off.

“Stop! We're ending this conversation!” he bellowed as he went straight ahead towards the locked door of the gym, bumping into Steve in the process. He spared Natasha a threatening glance from the doorway and growled, “Open this fucking door or I'm busting this out of my way.”

Natasha, without hesitation, nodded and commanded F.R.I.D.A.Y. to unlock the door. The A.I. obeyed and let Bucky out of the room, leaving both his comrades speechless and astonished inside.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bucky's so out of character. Big oof.


End file.
